Stay Sane Through Change

Imagine having a chicken dinner on Thanksgiving!

What would Thanksgiving be without the turkey and the trimmings? To many people, it wouldn't be Thanksgiving. Ironically, we eat more chicken than turkey on a year-round basis. However, we have grown accustomed to eating turkey on Thanksgiving Day. Having a chicken dinner would be a big change that few people would accept.

It has to do with our perception. Humans are creatures of habit. We like stability and dislike change.

While it's unlikely that people will switch from turkey to chicken on Thanksgiving, it is definite that people will go through many major changes in their lives. Some of those changes will likely be difficult. Many people struggle through transitions because of the insecurity and uncertainty that a major life change brings.

If you've just gone through a divorce, Thanksgiving can be a heart-wrenching time. Where last year you were still a family, this year that stability has been ripped to shreds and you're trying to sew the pieces back together. Here are a few ways that you can stay sane through the Thanksgiving holidays.

Coping with the nostalgia

The first Thanksgiving after a divorce will be fraught with poignant memories of previous Thanksgivings and the traditions you shared. Expect to feel sad. The contrast between how you felt in previous years and how you feel this year will make it even more painful.

Take this year to make new traditions. If you always spent Thanksgiving with her family, go visit yours this year. Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen, or having a Thanksgiving dinner with your friends. Don't put all your focus on how things were. Think about how things could be now, and take steps to make them that way.

Talk to supportive friends and family

Don't worry about being a Debbie Downer. Now, that doesn't mean you should spend the whole holiday weekend moping around and waxing eloquent about how horrible your life is. It just means that you shouldn't try to plaster on a happy face and keep it there, even when you're in pain inside.

If you need to vent or need a shoulder to cry on, grab a friend or family member that you trust and let it out. Otherwise, do your best to strive for a good holiday atmosphere, free from bitterness. The fact that you're around supportive friends and family alone should show you that it's not the end of the world.

Just don't make Thanksgiving itself your rant day. Try to talk to somebody beforehand and keep the negative thoughts and energy away from Thanksgiving Day. Otherwise, you're going to make the holiday itself more rotten for you and bring it down for your friends and family.

Be flexible with the scheduling

If you have children, then you'll do something you haven't had to do before: figure out which parent they'll spend Thanksgiving with. It may be hard to arrange transportation and scheduling with your ex, but try to be civil and flexible when you do. It's not going to do anybody any good for you to get angry because your ex couldn't pick up the kids until 7 p.m. when he was supposed to be there an hour earlier.

Most importantly, don't speak ill of your ex to your kids or complain about having to "share" them for the holidays. If your children are old enough to make decisions about where to go for the holidays, chances are they already feel guilty about not being able to see both of you on Thanksgiving. Complaining will make it worse, and may actually make them resent you. Plus, even though your marriage didn't work out, your kids still need their other parent.

List what you are thankful for

With a life transition like a divorce behind you, you may very well be thinking about nothing else. And who could blame you? Everything in your life has been turned upside-down by that one action. However, the very definition of Thanksgiving is "giving thanks."

Take some time this Thanksgiving to sit down and write out what you are thankful for. Make it serious; "I am thankful for my and my family's health." Make it silly: "I am thankful that gas went down five cents before my holiday trip." Just take the time to look at your life and see what you have to be thankful for. The list is probably longer than you'd expect, and by seeing everything that you do have in your life, you'll have better perspective for this holiday and the future.

Life transitions are never easy, and there may well be days where all you want to do is find a time machine and put everything back to the way it was before. But by taking little steps at a time, you'll be able to adapt. The holidays will never be like you remembered them, but with a little patience, understanding and flexibility, you can make your first Thanksgiving after a divorce a hopeful, if poignant, one.

Dave Webster & Tolu Adeleye are partners of Contemporary Lifestyle Consulting Inc. and the co-authors of "Stay Sane Through Change: How To Rise Above The Challenges Of Life’s Complex Transitions." Don't spend another minute floundering in stasis. Visit http://www.staysanethroughchange.com/book.php today to get a 10 percent discount on the audio book.